Scott Nilsson - Biographical Levity (or: "The Rest of His Biography")

Scott Nilsson

Biographical Levity

or, The Rest of His Biography...

Biographical Levity . . .

A few years ago, we saw a wonderful - if fanciful - NYU Application Essay (click to read) submitted by a student applying to New York University that was later accepted. In the same spirit - the following, while intended to be humorous, is all true:

I am a Swedish-American.

But my name as an Indian Guide was Little Arrow . . .

I have modeled on the road for Seventeen Magazine and for photographers in New York and Indianapolis . . .

I went to college - from ninth grade.

And made honors, every semester . . .

I have been followed by the Secret Service in the White House . . .

I have played 9 Ball for two hours with the 9th Ranked 9 Ball player in the world . . .

I got to shoot one time. I missed.

I held a job with the one company - for nearly twenty-four years . . .

With thousands of the most beautiful women in the world.

None of them under sixty-two.

I have been to Halston's townhouse . . .

and have schmoozed with Andy Warhol and Truman Capote.

I have gone 'rotten log walking' on a ice-strewn river in Canada . . .

I have swum in

Lake Tahoe.

And nearly drowned . . .

I have received rave reviews for performances -

And fallen on my derriere before an audience of thousands . . .

But I got up and finished the show.

I have designed parties for Bianca Jagger, Liza Minnelli, Halston and Baryshnikov . . .

I attended Richard Kiley's party celebrating his 1,000th performance as Man of La Mancha on Broadway - and watched him get thrown in the pool . . .

I studied bladework with an Egyptian Olympic fencing coach -
And dance with the Afro-American Dance Company.

I dated the heiresses to Hallmark Cards -

and the daughters of Gene Shalit,

Mary Travers (Peter, Paul and Mary)

and super model Dorian Leigh.

I was the voice for Smokey Sam in Public Service TV ads

for the Tuberculosis and Respiratory Disease Association -
And co-organized a series of events that raised nearly

one and a half million dollars for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society . . .

I have kayaked the Class 4 and Class 5 rapids

on the notorious Chattooga River . . . "Deliverance"

I have jumped off a hundred feet of vertical steel on a rubber band, and survived . . .

My wife and I create and sport award-winning Halloween costumes . . .

We can make one game of chess or pool last longer than a vacation . . .

I tap-danced for almost a year with Donna Drake,

just before she starred on Broadway in A Chorus Line . . .

I grew up playing back-yard baseball.

And I have hit a home run . . .

I have executed many a clean entrechat huit . . .

And lifted many a partner aloft . . .

I was one of the kid's who peered into the Magic 8-Ball

in the television ad . . .

I once helped rescue Dolly Parton from an enthusiastic mob.

She donned a trench coat and hid in the balcony . . .

I have refinished antiques . . .

I am regarded as a computer wizard . . .

But I know real computer wizards.

I am no computer wizard.

I have cooked for the Fire and Ice Girl . . .

famous chef and supermodel Dorian Leigh.

I practiced no-contact Tae Kwon Do.

I have ridden horses in Mexico

And have used the proper "kiss" to make them go . . .

I have personally excavated hundreds of yards of earth

and replaced it with hundreds of thousands of pounds

of stone, concrete, and more stone . . .

I have helicopter'ed about the Hawaiian Islands,

and the southwest rim of the Grand Canyon . . .

I have fallen on my face at thirty miles an hour -

and I have failed . . .

But I have always gotten back up.

I have performed the lead in a play on television . . .

I carry a stone from the original, temporary grave site for President Kennedy . . .

I have cooked brunch, lunch and dinner at a Manhattan restaurant . . .

For sixty.

For weeks.

I have swum with barracuda.

And with a grouper the size of a Volkswagen . . .

I have been attacked by a prehistoric, enormous ostrich.

And I have been the victim of a bison "poison gas attack" . . .

I have been tracked by a Siberian Tiger . . .

I have walked in the bottom of the Grand Canyon . . .

And rafted on the Colorado River.

I have witnessed a gathering of American Indian tribes

perform a healing ritual rarely seen by the outside world . . .

He lived.

I have danced with, and attended several dinner parties held by,

a woman attorney admitted to the New York Bar -

during the Great Depression . . . Disco Sally.

We have survived an occupied renovation of our condominium . . .

And I have overseen a $7+ million dollar renovation

of an occupied senior high rise . . .

And they survived, too.

I have performed in Manhattan - and a small mining community in rural Kentucky . . .

I have Stage Managed an awards ceremony honoring Kurt Vonnegut.

And had dinner with him . . .

I have hunted dozens of spectacular waterfalls

in the Appalachian mountains . . .

And gotten wet in many.

I drove through a tornado in the second worst tornado storm of the century . . .

The same year my father survived the second worst fire of the century . . .

I was photographed by Elmer Taflinger . . .

David Belasco's Art Director and Stage Manager.

I am friends with all my ex's . . .

I am also friends with all my wife's ex's.

I have helped the Secret Service get the drunken son

of a sitting President of the United States out to his limousine.

I have identified, turned in and testified against a wanted fugitive . . .

who is now serving consecutive life sentences.

And whose public defender never wants released from prison.

Robert Joffrey knew me by name.

I have commuted twenty-five miles to work, round-trip, on speed skates . . .

In rush hour. For years.

I have skated the eighty-seven "gently rolling" miles from Athens-to-Atlanta.

And crashed on my face at 30 miles an hour . . .

I have ridden a Triumph Daytona at 150 miles an hour . . .

With a passenger.

But never crashed a motorcycle . . .

I have belly-crawled for hours through damp, dark Salamander Cave . . .

I have been in the craters of several volcanoes.

Including one the size of Manhattan.

And a meteor crater - a mile across . . .

I have trudged through mud ankle deep

and been consumed by hundreds of thousands of mosquitoes -

in search of archeological treasures . . .

And I am married to a Texan.