Biographical Levity . . .
A few years ago, we saw a wonderful - if fanciful - NYU Application Essay (click to read) submitted by a student applying to New York University that was later accepted. In the same spirit - the following, while intended to be humorous, is all true:
I am a Swedish-American.
But my name as an Indian Guide was Little Arrow . . .
I have modeled on the road for Seventeen Magazine and for photographers in New York and Indianapolis . . .
I went to college - from ninth grade.
And made honors, every semester . . .
I have been followed by the Secret Service in the White House . . .
I have played 9 Ball for two hours with the 9th Ranked 9 Ball player in the world . . .
I got to shoot one time. I missed.
I held a job with the one company - for nearly twenty-four years . . .
With thousands of the most beautiful women in the world.
None of them under sixty-two.
I have been to Halston's townhouse . . .
and have schmoozed with Andy Warhol and Truman Capote.
I have gone 'rotten log walking' on a ice-strewn river in Canada . . .
I have swum in
And nearly drowned . . .
I have received rave reviews for performances -
And fallen on my derriere before an audience of thousands . . .
But I got up and finished the show.
I have designed parties for Bianca Jagger, Liza Minnelli, Halston and Baryshnikov . . .
I attended Richard Kiley's party celebrating his 1,000th performance as Man of La Mancha on Broadway - and watched him get thrown in the pool . . .
I studied bladework with an Egyptian Olympic fencing coach -
And dance with the Afro-American Dance Company.
I dated the heiresses to Hallmark Cards -
and the daughters of Gene Shalit,
Mary Travers (Peter, Paul and Mary)
and super model Dorian Leigh.
I was the voice for Smokey Sam in Public Service TV ads
for the Tuberculosis and Respiratory Disease Association -
And co-organized a series of events that raised nearly
one and a half million dollars for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society . . .
I have kayaked the Class 4 and Class 5 rapids
on the notorious Chattooga River . . . "Deliverance"
I have jumped off a hundred feet of vertical steel on a rubber band, and survived . . .
My wife and I create and sport award-winning Halloween costumes . . .
We can make one game of chess or pool last longer than a vacation . . .
I tap-danced for almost a year with Donna Drake,
just before she starred on Broadway in A Chorus Line . . .
I grew up playing back-yard baseball.
And I have hit a home run . . .
I have executed many a clean entrechat huit . . .
And lifted many a partner aloft . . .
I was one of the kid's who peered into the Magic 8-Ball
in the television ad . . .
I once helped rescue Dolly Parton from an enthusiastic mob.
She donned a trench coat and hid in the balcony . . .
I have refinished antiques . . .
I am regarded as a computer wizard . . .
But I know real computer wizards.
I am no computer wizard.
I have cooked for the Fire and Ice Girl . . .
famous chef and supermodel Dorian Leigh.
I practiced no-contact Tae Kwon Do.
I have ridden horses in Mexico
And have used the proper "kiss" to make them go . . .
I have personally excavated hundreds of yards of earth
and replaced it with hundreds of thousands of pounds
of stone, concrete, and more stone . . .
I have helicopter'ed about the Hawaiian Islands,
and the southwest rim of the Grand Canyon . . .
I have fallen on my face at thirty miles an hour -
and I have failed . . .
But I have always gotten back up.
I have performed the lead in a play on television . . .
I carry a stone from the original, temporary grave site for President Kennedy . . .
I have cooked brunch, lunch and dinner at a Manhattan restaurant . . .
I have swum with barracuda.
And with a grouper the size of a Volkswagen . . .
I have been attacked by a prehistoric, enormous ostrich.
And I have been the victim of a bison "poison gas attack" . . .
I have been tracked by a Siberian Tiger . . .
I have walked in the bottom of the Grand Canyon . . .
And rafted on the Colorado River.
I have witnessed a gathering of American Indian tribes
perform a healing ritual rarely seen by the outside world . . .
I have danced with, and attended several dinner parties held by,
a woman attorney admitted to the New York Bar -
during the Great Depression . . . Disco Sally.
We have survived an occupied renovation of our condominium . . .
And I have overseen a $7+ million dollar renovation
of an occupied senior high rise . . .
And they survived, too.
I have performed in Manhattan - and a small mining community in rural Kentucky . . .
I have Stage Managed an awards ceremony honoring Kurt Vonnegut.
And had dinner with him . . .
I have hunted dozens of spectacular waterfalls
in the Appalachian mountains . . .
And gotten wet in many.
I drove through a tornado in the second worst tornado storm of the century . . .
The same year my father survived the second worst fire of the century . . .
I was photographed by Elmer Taflinger . . .
David Belasco's Art Director and Stage Manager.
I am friends with all my ex's . . .
I am also friends with all my wife's ex's.
I have helped the Secret Service get the drunken son
of a sitting President of the United States out to his limousine.
I have identified, turned in and testified against a wanted fugitive . . .
who is now serving consecutive life sentences.
And whose public defender never wants released from prison.
Robert Joffrey knew me by name.
I have commuted twenty-five miles to work, round-trip, on speed skates . . .
In rush hour. For years.
I have skated the eighty-seven "gently rolling" miles from Athens-to-Atlanta.
And crashed on my face at 30 miles an hour . . .
I have ridden a Triumph Daytona at 150 miles an hour . . .
With a passenger.
But never crashed a motorcycle . . .
I have belly-crawled for hours through damp, dark Salamander Cave . . .
I have been in the craters of several volcanoes.
Including one the size of Manhattan.
And a meteor crater - a mile across . . .
I have trudged through mud ankle deep
and been consumed by hundreds of thousands of mosquitoes -
in search of archeological treasures . . .
And I am married to a Texan.